Derek

hmm last entry was a wee bit angry... I am significantly happier now and figured i would let anyone who actually does read this know that haha... almost home!

yay i'm drunk off my ass nobody reads this so fuck everything and everyone i don't give a shit because eveyone fucks shit and i hate everything

GUITAR HERO... need I say more?

I was reading some of my old entries and that is when I realized how cool this really is. So a year later a lot has changed. I am basically completely different. I survived my first semester of college and ended up with a 3.0 gpa... not the greatest but considering with swimming and everything else I have going on, I was pretty pleased. I also have met some of the greatest people ever. I love my friends to death. i seriously would not be the same person had I not met jaclyn, emily, phil, and josh and the entire boys swim team. especially phil he has helped me with a lot of things in my life. But i guess i'll pick up where I left off.

My senior year at Monroe was amazing. I was captain of the swim team, was on winterfest court, and met amy. She basically made my senior year incredible. Swimming went extremely well. I really grew a lot as a swimmer that year. I was 2nd in the league and swam a 1:06.42 in the 100 breast... much faster than I ever thought i could go. I also got 7th in the 200 IM and was on the 1st place medley relay.I was 14th overall for most points scored in the meet.I also got to go to states for the 200 medley relay. I believe we got 29th... not bad considering that none of us qualified for an individual event.

After swimming...thoughts of college filled my head. I was really torn between U of M (michigan) and Lake Forest College. Although in my heart I think I knew I'd end up at LFC. I did. I love it here. So far it has been one of the best times of my life and I'm sure they'll only get better.

Summer. It was crazy. really sad though when I thought about the fact that it was gonna be the last two months that things would be the same between all of my friends and I. I spent as much time as possible with them and we all had a great time. Although I think there was only one tropical thursday party. I thoroughly enjoyed swimming in the quarry and getting ice cream and just hanging out at people's houses. Tons of fun. Then packing for college began.

Saying bye to everyone was hard but i was so excited to finally get to school. Once i got there it was so beautiful. It was crazy going somewhere where you know absolutely nobody though. I hung out with my roommate mainly until i met the swimmers and started hanging out with them. I also came to hate my roommate which ended in me switching rooms at the end of the semester (which I am excited to go back to!). But I am so happy now and couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Although I have had my fair share of drama.

Amy and I broke up which was a really rough couple of days. It was my fault. I couldn't keep living a lie. Telling her I was gay was probably the hardest thing ever but I felt so much better immediately after. I do feel bad when i think about the fact that i basically wasted a year of her life. But I really did love her. I just couldn't keep denying the fact that I am more attracted to boys. Since then I have felt a lot better about life and myself. I also have been able to be even closer to my friends now that they know exactly who I am. i was amazed at how supportive everyone was. I really do have the best friends ever.

Now I am just sitting here and loving the fact that I just reflected on the past year of my life... kinda cool since it is so close to new years!!!! and as usual I am not making a new years resolution because I know I won't keep it so there is no point in setting myself up for failure. But I do have a few goals. I would like to raise my gpa... and I want to get an A in psychology as well as Calc II. I want to beat my best time in the 100 and 200 breast and be a valuable part of the team at conference. I also just want to enjoy myself and make sure I'm happy. I realize how much more I enjoy everything when I am truly happy to be doing it. Kinda like the relient K song, "and it's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive".

hmmm now i can guarantee that I'll ever write another entry here.. but hopefully so because I really enjoyed doing this. well for now... Peace

I haven't wrote an entry in over a year, but maybe I should start doing that!!!! well it's kinda late so I'm not gonna write anything really right now, just doing this will remind myself to do another one in the future.

yea i haven't updated in like 4 months lol. I'm sure nobody even reads this but if you do, i update all my stuff on the msn spacey thingy so you should check it out- heres the address: http://spaces.msn.com/members/sexyswimbeast/

I LOVE FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! this has been the longes week in the history of the world. It snowed yesterday but now it's all melted, hopefully it will stay that way and never snow again for the rest of my life. 4 months of cold and snow is way too much. neways, i basically went in to weekend mode after lunch because it was so hard for me to concentrate in bio and american history- somehow i have a b in american history- the class is retarded and i got a 100 on the test- how do u get a b in a class when u get 100's on every test? I don't understand. I do understand my c- in calculus, I really need to work on that because i can't get a C, my mom will kill me.

I have to go to practice tonight - that's the downside of swimming at states- practice should be done but i still have to go everyday. I want just a couple weeks break but i guess i'm gonna have to wait a little bit. High school states was today- we only had are 200 medley relay go and mark schramm made 200 free and 100 fly, john said he don't think they'll do very well because they haven't been doing normal taper things at practice but who cares- apparently monroe hasn't sent people to states in a couple years so just to have people go is awesome. I don't remember if I posted this but we were league champs! I got 10th at leagues with my season best time of 1:11:95. My goal was a 1:10 but i did my best and was happy with the 1:11.

I'm so excited- i'll probably be a captain next year! Me and George are gonna be the only seniors next year so we should both be captains which will be totally awesome. I wanted to join track, but nobody will do it with me. I guess it's a good thing tho because i really don't want to have to stay after everyday- it's nice getting alittle break now- i get to come home and relax and then go to practice later- I like smac a lot more now that i swim with ppl on the high school team- before i was in a lane with a bunch of 8th graders.

It sucks- I can't get my license until september because here you ahve to take drivers ed and stuff so i basically have to start over. Drivers ed sucks so bad. I have it 3 nights a week for 2 hours each night. Each class is like the longest 2 hours of my life. It seriously feels like i'm in there for an entire school day. It SUCKS!

wow, I wrote a lot today, but i guess i should considering i haven't updated in like 3 months. I hate how i never keep up with stuff.

this whole winter thing was the worst idea ever!!! I hope it dies!!!!! i am so sick of cold and snow and shoveling driveways! I just want palm trees and sunshine! but good news- I get to swim at uss states. My 400 medley relay made states so i get to swim breaststroke in the relay. I am so excited!!!!!! i didn't make any individual events though- but I was only 6 seconds away from the cut in the 200 breast! which kinda sucks though becauyse when you think about it 6 seconds in 200 breast is not a lot at all if i had trained more for it i probably could have made it. O well theres next year. unfortuanately I won't be able to say that next year so i really gotta go after it. I already told coach that i want him to kick my ass until high school season because I have to be the best breaststroker. I can't keep letting George beat me!!!!!!

I am doing the most gay thing ever. Like 6 of the guys from the swim team are gonna do a syncro routine and the girls syncro meet next week and I somehow let them persuade me into doing it! It's gonna be so scary. We are doing it to I shot the sheriff by bob marley. Be afraid... Be very afraid!


Someone finally has a crush on me- it's kind of exciting! chris and brian told me that meagan was gonna ask me to the movies but chickened out. I don't know if I really like ehr though. i did for a while but nothing ever happened. I guess I'll just take things as they come and figure out what to do when it happens. I do have a crush on lydia. she's the german exchange student. she's leaving in like 3 months so i really can't start anything which kind of sucks. I'll figure things out though eventually.

I am so sad that High school swim season is over. I have made such good friends and it kinda sucks that I won't be hanging outt with them at 5:30 everymorning and at 3:00 every afternoon. Cleaning my locker out was pretty sad when i was thinking about it. But it's ok because my best friends on the team swim SMAC as well so i'll get to see them practically everyday.

wow i haven't updated in a really long time! but i guess i'll give you the update on the whole swimming thing that still takes every extra minute of my life- at the erie mason meet i did a 1:13:89 in the 100 breast- really good time for me- i'm ranked 11th in the league right now!!!!!! but unfortunately i haven't been able to break 1:14 since then. i did a 1:14:97 a week ago but that wasn't from the blocks. then at the next meet i did like a 1:14:72 from the blocks and then at the adrian meet on saturday i did a 1:14:01- i guess it doesn't matter wether i start from the wall or the blocks which is very wierd- i need more motivation- someone who i close to my time but alittle bit faster to motivate me to go faster when i'm feeling tired and slowing down- thats my problem- hopefully after taper i can break the top 10 in the league cuz that would be so sweet!

Went to the winterfest dance on saturday (jan 29) it was really fun. I actually felt like i had hung out with these people ym whole life. i'm closer to george and chris than i was to most people in florida except for a few. My "date" to the dance was george and our master plan was to pick up hot freshman at the dance. Unfortuanetly there were no hot freshmen and i ended up spenidn a lot of time with this hot girl named jessica- we had a really good time- unfortunately she is home schooled and i'll probably never see her again- that sucks. I also met this girl whitney and she is pretty cool- we;ve bevome pretty good friends in the past two days. lol. I feel really comfortable with her- like today i gave her a bow (like the ones that stick on to christmas presents) and stuck it on her hand and she actuially wore it all day- stupid things like that that make me feel so comfortable around her-


Louie (smac coach) says i can probably make the state cut for the 200 breast (2:32:99) i'm not sure. I did a 2:54:86 in november but at that time my 100 time was a 1:20 and i didn't swim it as hard as i could- i'm not sure if a 22 second drop is likely in just 3 months time- although my 100 breast dropped 7 seconds so maybe i can do it- how sweet would that be to be a ble to go to uss state's? I'll tell you- really sweet. It'll be like a rewards for working my ass off for 3 months to try to be somewhat decent.


Got my report card- all a's and a b- in calc! my gpa is a 3.8 (according to monroe- my suncoast grades weren't in that) but it's really a 4.0 because it's weighted and they don't calculate that until the end of the year. I'm ranked 32 in the class right now- yes that is the top 6 percent. well i think thats the update i'll clue you in the next time i get off my but and decide to actuially write somehting!

we had a swim meet last week and i did really bad in the 200 free i went about 2:12- but i redeemed myself in breaststroke doin a 1:16:62!!!!! I was so happy- and that was only from the wall- my pool doesn't have starting blocks- so if i was at a normal pool i'd probably have gone like a 1:14 or so! that was pretty sweet.


I went bowling last night- my high game was a 134- my highest ever- i suck at bowling! but it was cool cuz i got 3 strikes in a row!!! and then the screen flashed the turkey thing it was neat.


This morning Lisa and Miranda took me ice skating for my birthday- it was soo much fun- I've never been ice skating before but it was pretty easy. it's just like rollerblading and i'm pretty good at that.

I really don't feel 17. it's really scary to think that in a year i am gonan have to go to college and be on my own. and then i have to get a job and support myself. It's so wierd cuz i still feel so young. I don't even know where i want to go to college and what i wanna do when i get there and that really scares me. I want to go to university of michigan and major in psychology but then again- how do i know i don't wanna go somewhere else? it's really confusing!

the meet couldn't have gone better! I did a 32.87 in the breaststroke leg of the 200 medley relay and i did a 58.62 in my leg of the 400 free relay- they did say that i did a false start and jumped about a second too early but still- my time would have been 59 sumthin and i still broke 1 min! I can't believe it! I am so happy! also, I won the boobie award- it's the award that goes to the mvp of each meet. the person who wins it gets to pick who gets it at the next meet based on who did the best or just who did really good and worked hard. Richard gave it to me because my times were really good compared to what i normally do and he said i took one for the team by only swimming a few yards! It was pretty sweet- made me feel really good! but then it made me feel kinda bad cuz i complained about only swimming a couple of relays and no individuals but i guess it paid off!

school sucks- i just wanna stay home! hopefully i will tomorrow cuz we're supposed to be getting freezing rain and it might be cancelled! (pray for me). I have my final in swimming- 500 free- i think i might do it breast stroke just to see how many people i can beat- none of those people can swim- i'd be shocked if more than 3 actually finish it! not counting me and the 2 other swimmers in the class.

well i'm actually gonan give this homework thing a shot- i really wanan do good in calculus i just wish it wasn't so hard and that i actually understood stuff- cuz i have no idea wuts goin on in that class!

AHHH! this has been a rough week! well not really, monday was easy, tuesday we had a meet against ann arbor huron and we beat them! I swam the 500 free and did a 6:14 not bad but not good enough for me- i want to break 6 min. so i'm gonna keep working on it. I did a 1:02:79 in the 100 free- a full 2 second improvement so i am happy with that, but at the meet tomorrow i want to do :59! I know i can do it- i just have to dig deeper and swim harder than i have been- i know i can be a lot faster than what i've been doing and i just think theres a 'mental block' stopping me from doing it. I know i can do it though.

I broke up with mollie. I am happy that i finally did because it wasn;'t fair to lead her on. I realize you can't keep pretending- it really gets to you after a while. Plus, every little thing started to bother me- like her laugh- omg it started to drive me nuts- and she was kinda loud. worst of all-0 she had the bump on her nose that looked like a pimple and i wanted to get rid of it sooooooo bad! It was seriously driving me crazy! but o well- it's over now and i'm free and happy!


Calculus is getting ridiculously hard! I am just not use to continually getting 50's and 60's on tests! for some reason i just don't get it. I get it in class but then on the tests i just draw a blank. i wanna drop- but i also wanna get into college- any advice?


well now i don't remember wut i really meant to say so i'll try and think later

yesterday was really fun! I spent most of it under the house (i was the smallest one so it was easier for me to move around) looking for a leak cuz we couldn't get any hot water. i found a couple drips from this one pipe coming from the hot water heater so my grandpa went down there and about 3 hours later had fixed it. but we still couldn't get hot water and the water meter was still running even when no water was on in the house, so we knew there was another leak. I had to go abck under and there was no leak. and after a couple more hours of having no water, some one noticed that our guest house had an awful lot of water around it. but since all the snow had just melted, nobody thought anything of it. then a couple hours later after checking under the house and seeing two small pipes run straigh into the ground int he direction of the guest house, we decided to check it. Turns out the whole thing was flooded and when we turned the water back on, it came pouring from a broken pipe in the corner of the guest house. so we turned the valve that lets water into the guest house off and it was fixed, but now i ahve two pools! and it's cold today so i might have an ice skating rink in the guest house- i'll have to go check! well thats pretmuxh it- o by the way i got a new cell phone for christmas so if u ever need to call me my # is 734-497-5896

WE GOT 1st!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mega red relays were awesome! my 400 IM elay came in 8th out of like 20 somethin, my 200 fly relays was a joke but it's ok cuz i did 3 seconds better than i did at EMU relays so that was a 3 second imporvement in 1 week. I realized with fly it's all about breathing, i just did a 1 up 2 down pattern and got through it! it actually felt kinda nice to be honest- now i just need to work on my speed! and finally, my 200 breast relay got 3rd! and this was out of like 30 teams! the team that got 2nd only beat us by 2 tenths of a second- which relaly pisses me off because clint did a whole second slower than he did the week before and i thought i was the one who screwed it up- but dick went first and when he finished we were in 1st place, i went, we were still in 1st, clint went- we were in 3rd, then mark went and we came back to second- so it was mainly clints fault- we had a lead- he lost it- maybe it was a combination of my time and his (both 34's) but still if he would have done his time from the week before we would have kept the lead and won the whole meet- but hey 3rd is not bad! especially for me!

PSAT's- well i got a 174- my reading went up 6- my math went down 1- and my writing went up 7. I was in the 82%tile ( so don't feel bad chris!) but i guess it don't matter that much because i'm not even taking the SAT's- i want to go to school in michigan so ACT is all i need to take and i did pretty good on them- i got a 28 which is like the middle half at U of M so thats cool- if I can raise my GPA maybe i'll have a chance of getting in- unfortunately- if i go anywhere like that- i won't be able to swim unless i get really really good in the next year and a half!

ok now i have nothing to say so i guess i'm gonna take a shower- o btw- we've been having practice at eastern michigan university so we've been swimming long course- IT SUCKS- the pool is 50 meters- it goes on and on and on! it was really fun for doing 200's and 300's but when we did 100's it sucked- it seems so much longer but i think it's only like 15 or 20 feet longer than yards- not sure of the conversions though!

omg i am in love. I LOVE kaitlin sandeno. of course she's an olympic swimmer who's 21 so i will never get my wish! but, this grl brooke is a close second. she's hot, she swims, she has the best voice, she writes for the school paper, she does community service stuff fopr salvation army, she's perfect. Of course it's probably just like every other perfect girl i've ever liked- she won't like me the same way. so i'm probably gonna have to get over it real soon. swimming has been great lately. we went to the EMU relays (Eastern Michigan University)and we got 3rd- it was sweet- my breaststroke relay actually placed 6th place- thats in the whole meet i felt so good! we have the mega red relays this week and our relay should probably get 1st and that will be even more awesome. I love swimming. I can focus so much better. It gives me a reason to wake up everyday and do what i have to do. I love that feeling. it's very therapeutic (hoping i spelled that right). 1 more day till x-mas break! i can't wait!

omfg!!!!!!! coach johnson is making me go to practice even though i have a swim meet an hour and a half after practice!! I won't be able to do good! I am so mad!

omg i hate stress. I have so many things going on right now i am so worried about the swim meet on monday (because i have been swimming so hard in practice becasue i need to be able to swim the breaststroke- i will be so mad if clint gets to swim it instead of me- i HAVE BEEN WORKING SO HARD! ugh i hate caps lock!) and my arms are sore from so much practice and as all of you probably know you don't swim as fast when your sore and tired (hence: tapering) and i really really really wanna do good at this meet to impress coach johnson and i wanna just do well for me- I would love it if I could beat a 1:20:00 -something i think is definitely within my reach but not if i am sore and tired from so much practice!

My day is so long. It starts at 4:50 and ends at about 11 each night. I am at school from 5:30 am to 5:30 pm everyday (except wednesdays- no morning practice) then i get home at about 6:30 each day and then have just enough time to do calculus and anatomy and some dumb cvrap for english and the sneak on here and update somethin- when I write it all out it doesn't sound like much but it just seems so long throughout the day. It feels like it just goes on forever. this morning seriously feels like yesterday.

On the up side I think I have a new crush (yes i have a gf and yes i feel bad about liking this girl) her name is brooke. she's a swimmer. she's HOTT! she has a really cute voice and nice laugh. As most of you know all I really want is a hott swimmer grl that i get along with really well- unfortunately I have not talked to her very much and i think she has a crush on this other kid but o well- it's still nice to dream. She's like the "sam" (as in sam critton) of Monroe- it's amazing. except i think sam might be a little better looking cuz she has the whole surfer thing going on. I love that.

everything is going so good right now. I love swimming so much. i love the team. Everybody is so nice. I wish i hung out with them more than just during practice because every one of them is sooo much fun. It just feels good to be accepted by a group of people like that. The swim team here is so much more like a team than suncoast though. At suncoast it was so divided, like none of the swimmers (alex basse, scott blake, justin wilson, etc...) even new that i existed. even though we were on a team together- that meant nothing. It's so different here. Hanging out in the locker room before practice is just so much fun and everyones friends and we just have a good time. Well, wait, not everyone are friends, there definitely is people that don't like each other and stuff like that but its not that big of a deal.

Chris said some things today (or yesterday) that really hit the head on the nail. like how you just feel so out of place or unwanted sometimes. Seeing everybody at school and sometimes i just think, if i wasn't here they wouldn't even care. Their lives would just continue on like normal and i wouldn't even be much of a memory to them. I have no true bonds yet- of course I haven't been here that long, but still- I think a lot of the problem is that I still consider everyone in florida my true friends (because they are). These people are just like people i talk to but i don't really consider them friends like i do Chris, katie, lexi, shelby and the rest of all my friends. I don't think thats somehting i'll ever do either.

well theres still so much more i want to say but i really have to go. Unfortunately my calculus teacher expects me to do work at home. I think i'll just do it during swimming tomorrow cuz i don't have to swim cuz i have morning practice- getting up at 5 am is not that bad... really!!!! PEACE.

I think i've figured things out with mollie. I like her. but... I'm not as attracted to her physically as I thought I was. Unfortunately physical attraction is a big deal. But I've also realized all of my friends are her friends, and they've known her a lot longer than me, so a break up would mean no friends for me. Except the swim team of course but i only see them at practice and were not all friends to where we would go hang out together over the weekend. So i am in a pretty crappy situation. Do I continue to go out with mollie because then i have friends, or do I break up with her and have no friends for a while and work on making new ones? right now i'm leanign towards keep the friends i've got and pretend I like her more than I do and then when i become better friends with other people i can break up with her. any other ideas are welcomed so plz post and tell me what you think!

I'm hoping that saying all that doesn't make ppl think i'm shallow and superficial. It's just that when you move to a new place where you don't know anyone- your're desperate for friends (at least I was. I really don't feel like having to make all new friends just because i wasn't physically attracted to a girl. because the connection is there- just not physically.

for some reason lately (as in the past two days) I've been feeling a lot better about everything thats going on in my life. I think swimming relieves a lot of stress and frustration that i have. I guess swimming is the one thing i have control over. Thats what I wanted. Just one thing I controlled, something stable. Ever since i started swimming again (i took a 2 week break before high school season started) i've felt a lot better- like i have a reason for doing what i'm doing. I feel like I'm really improving too. Like today in practice- i did a 1:04:3 which was the same time as my MEET time just 3 weeks ago. Hopefully at the coming meets i can bust out a 1:02 or 1:03 that would be pretty sweet! Also, Louie, the smac coach needs me to swim in some meet coming up for some kind of championships- he said he needed a breaststroker and i was the best one they've got- that made me feel so good. In practice i'm not one of the worst people and that feels great. At suncoast i was always on the slowest interval and always had to swim the 400 free relay and never got to do individual events or anything. here i'm actually decent. There are a a lot of people with times slower than mine, but of course their are a lot of people faster. But it just feels good to be good for a change, I don't feel completely useless to the team.

while I'm in the 'figuring things out' mood, I would like to point out that this is the first time i've ever written in paragraph form! I don't know why I did it, i guess the things I've talked about were so different that i felt the need to separate them. I also think it looks a lot cooler than one big long thing so I think i might try to make it a habit.

As gald as I am about how things are going right now- i've been in a really crappy mood the past couple days. i don't know why. I've just been mean and kinda short-tempered with people. Maybe IA'm just a big jerk. i dunno. Is there a male version of pms? cuz i think i have it. (hoping that didn't sound TOO gay). but other than that... all is well and i'm thankful for that. PEACE OUT.

p.s (can u p.s if you haven't made a formal closing? not sure, but neways...) if you swim- don't bother taking a shower cuz no matter what you do- you will smell like chlorine. there is no point in ever taking a shower again because it is absolutely useless.

p.p.s (i actually wrote this after i determined my mood and told you that i'm listening to existentialism on prom night) I looked it up in the dictionary cuz it was driving me nuts that I had no clue what existentialism meant, and i dicsovered that it means that an individual is responsible for the authenticity of his/her own choices. for some reason i've been looking up a lot of words lately, but unfortunately i never remember what they mean (i did remember existentialism though). and i just now (as in- at this very moment) came across the word "sucker" the definition is: a person or thing that sucks. thats funny. yea maybe it's not as funny as i thought it was, but i was just surprised to see it in the dictionary.

haha i let ppl look at my yearbook today and it was funny. cuz some of the things ppl wrote to me (like shina) my friends were like 'whoa' it was so funny. but anyways- swim practice finally started and it's kool cuz i'm in the 2nd good lane! theres a lane of really good people then the 2nd lane with good people but not great and thats the one i'm in! it makes me feel so special! but thats about it. I'll get the pictures up as soon as i can register with photobucket- for some reason you can only register between certain times and i'm either sleeping or at school at those times! so i'll gte back with ya later